Thoughts.

A couple of weeks ago my mum came into my bedroom one morning, as she usually does, poking about and watching me do my make up and so forth. Conversation then moved to my Nanna, as mum looked at a photograph of us in my room and she made a comment about how she was forgetting what Nanna looked like. I don't know whether it was because I was already feeling pretty vunerable that morning, but it really took me aback. As long as it has been since I saw her for the last time, I don't think I will ever be in that situation where I can't physically remember what she looks like, you know?

My Nanna passed away two years and four months ago today, and like most people who have lost a family member, I think about her every single day. I am blessed to still have my wonderful Grandad, who I think the world of and just being with him and at his house keeps her memory alive. Time has gone by so fast, yet so much has stayed the same - her chair where she sat and tapped her foot to the radio, the kitchen where we would make chocolate crunch, the sofa that smelt weird and would tip back (when the sofa went back), the brass hand bells that my sister and I would ring relentlessly to wake our grandparents up at 7 in the morning...

It's funny to think about all the little things that she taught me, not mum or dad or anyone else, just her. Silly things like how to blow bubble gum and how to put on lipstick - a Sunday morning routine of apply and blot. And then there's the songs that remind me of her, I Love It When You Call and No Matter What, which was played at her funeral. Even now I struggle to listen to it without getting a bit misty eyed, not so much because of the song itself but more how it made me feel during the funeral, and how so heartbreakenly upset my sister and Grandad were.

I look back with the fondest of memories of my Nanna, but there are days when I would give anything, anything just to talk to her. I know through my Grandad and my Nanna's friends that she would be so proud of me, but it's not the same as being able to share my life and achievements with her first hand. Just to talk about juvenile things like fashion and show her what new clothes I've been buying, she loved that. It's so nice when I get to talk about her, especially with Grandad and her best friend Dot. I just wish that happened more, I miss her. So much.

x x x